Pnårp’s docile & perfunctory page
Six days on Nizgidge Ridge
Another week on Nizgidge Ridge
A week on Nizgidge Ridge
A sunset on Nizgidge Ridge
Hirpled, hobbled, blithely a calzone out the door
A sneezeless day
The purple hirple
Underground poopworld
Fourth, fifth, sixth… of July
Defenestrated accoutrements and that horse again
Catatonic and a cat tonic
…How to ribbit this week
I think I forgot…
Toenails, a treatise, a brass bag
Breathing had become boring
And then what happened next—
Accelerating my celery
Stuck to a glue trap
The tubular boob tube
And then I scrolled down
Where all the payphones went
Trivial nonsense to throw a fit over
A polished turd
Ribbit… ribbit… ribbit… ribbit?
CyScope, Yahoots, Infosunk?
Whose skin is it now?
Cheez-Its: ghastly horrors
My toilet float… sank
Ribbit… ribbit… ribbit…
Meat-based vegetables
The man who lived inside walls
Too-quiet, two-tone, too-soon
No more ghoughphtheightteeaux
A horse, a printer, a chipmunk, a ruined handbag
Too-quiet restrooms
Chickens—salad or grain?
A laughing stock
Eating a lot of Frosted Flakes
Have a good one
Afloat down the River Severn
Plårped again
There are no bagels there
There are no bagels here
Ensconced and enholed
No idea about anything
Will it be like concrete?
But for me, it was Tuesday
Formica and formication
By the bag, the can, the bottle, and the flask
Q-Tips, cute tips, a queue of tips
A wild eep out of place and time
I really should have that broken…
How does blue cheese go bad?
A nipple that could nibble
Playing stupid
Endless rows of houses
Musings on vinegar, vigor, and elephant bites
Too many uncertainties
Too many demands
Too many answers
Too many questions
Back into the mud from whence
So I didn’t want them anymore
Things are looking up
Transfixed, perplexed, and duplexed
Cows, cowboys, cowgirls, and so much mooing
Purple prose asphyxia
One moron’s opinion
Never put a fish in your car
A masterful mañana-man
Nose, the best smelling device
So many questions
The Sun absconded yet I rest assured
An antelope with a pair of cantaloupes
The stench of failure
A vernally hibernal good time
There’s a joke in here somewhere
The case of the windy toilet
Pig-headed and ham-fisted
Seven point three hundred
Pigs fly just fine
Morning again?
Angry monkey syndrome, a dishdirtier
Watering the water clocks
Shaken and stir crazy
My life as a computer
The tapering of taped cans and candies
The splaying of resplendent splendiferousness
Whitewalls, chromedomes, and an asshat with jingle bells
Invidy, diaeretics, and Eëtal-Otoh-Satt!
A byte nybbled a word, and then…
Snow crabs and snow leopards
Do better
A Sefernday to surely forget
A quacking bush
Musings on the salad of chicken and eggs
Mulberries, mulbiaries, mubbleducks, and mubbliaries
An oversized capybara, a staccato cadence
A real nobody
A week of weekdays and their horrors
For want of a letterbox
A bolo tie and a blogging accident
The Aroostook Roo Store
By fish or by Finn
Corn gone bacon and eggs
Cwæþ the Pnårp
Negotiating a goats-for-oats deal
Dugongs, bleating, and a meowing Nurdlebutt
Playing a katydid like a fiddle
Rejecting both Church Latin and the Ciceronian
A fresh set of gnome latrines
Omental cakes and tires (or a blunch of underwear)
Ratiocination and a rat
Today I was being even more, more or less
Dogs that ate backwards
Chicken dickin’ good!
Gearless largesse and rageless eelgrass
It doesn’t have to—but I always do
Crap! Crabapple! Crapapple!
Crap! Carp! Scrap! Scarp!
Tuna surprise
Why fish don’t have feet
A monolithic dump
A turtle extended its neck and quacked
Being a little bit taller
Being six feet tall
The unwary victim of cellular ennui
Cities of obsidian in the Canadian Shield
The day ended before it began
To be a featureless white worm
Landing head-first in March
To catch a fly
My spaghetti trees had all flowered
And the rest was history
The house that Pnårp built
A mystery of hasps and coat hangers
Thinking for myself
No more barriers to cross
Feeling rather non-Euclidean
I am my thoughts… I am time
A real galleyshnogger of a Christmas
Toppings on the bottom?
We were bipedal murder chickens
Al Gore: A User’s Manual
Thanksgiving with the McBorbleys
You are a crazy person
Change you can be leaf in
With a ploot, ploot, ploot!
A draught horse, serendipity, and a bankruptcy
I wish my spoons were stronger
Autumn had arrived
The deep toaster
And then the flies danced
Yet still bereft of meaning
A veritable trash dump of words
“If” is the middle word in “life”
History looked at me this week
Pinguid penguins, disparate parrots, and a Studebaker
On any given day
Catastrophes—but no anastrophe
Up to my ass in alligators
Two halves of a bagel
Squirrels, squeeorling, syrup of squill, and squee
Tuck in flap to close
Gnocco after gnocco
The long, greasy road
A stack of dictionaries, a goat, and the ensuing manure
Wernicke, Broca, and a two-week, drug-fueled bender
Fleas, flies, and friars!
A squiddy meal, a goosey girl, and moles of gnomes
Dogging the Balphonse
Miscounting the protons
Batting the package
Whittling the knittery
Flogging the dinosaur
A stubby little short week
An exaggeratedly long week
A wanted carton of wontons
A curious nine-day week
Seven point two hundred
The twentieth best day of my life
A hilarious pair of ducks
The stars screamed at me, but why?
An arduous, odorous, ordurous affair
Interwoven threads of witless boobery
Three-eyed gnomes, a lighthouse, and a pair of feet
Carpathian Carpentry Gnomes? In my kitchen?
The door slammed in my face
Hard avocados and soft stones
Confound delivery
Nothing happened
New years and new neighbors
Collecting the caps from every bottle of light cream
Vigorously shaking every Solanum dulcamara
Vigorously shaking every ficus tree
Shouting at every houseplant
An adventure in Dingleberry–Dumpsterism
The Dingleberry–Hampsterist–Schmarnocks war
An out-of-place trashcan
A Halloween to surely forget
To muffle up a gooſe
A Sefernday to ſurely remember
Plantago delenda est
A lesson in poor metrication
Dugong, budong, hotdog, and hoe
Excrescence and excreta
Losing weight at the lost-and-found
The pink, sticky day ended
Wearing orange after Labor Day
And then I’ll fart one more time, and…
And I still couldn’t find my comb
To not be a six-foot-tall man–squirrel
Today I was being a…
Time to draw the bull
Not a typewriter
Fish upon the land
My arm just follows them
An Independence Day to remember
To narfle the gömböc
Another day, another pig war
José Vargas de las Joyas Matemáticas
An infinite pie
Too many Sundays
Great Dane or greatest Dane?
A dire problem of diphthongs and diacritics
200,000 flip-flop–related injuries
The Hanes–Heinz problem
Something breakfasty and sausage-like
Keeping those goats down in the hole
From Commodus to Vespasian—
A costly, costive dilemma
An arpeggio for Snarpegon
Maybe it was the location
Toiling away smoilishly
With a bubble and a squeak…
Christmas, goats, and the fiscal cliff
…The world ended
This coming Friday…
Mooey, mooey, moo!
Horses, drugs, and some Volvos
A paean to funnels
A parable that should explain everything
Ungabungabugandabunga!
The geese were angry
Ziti—with lines, please
As a bump on a log
The nauga war
Meals and utensils and straws, oh my!
In my own back yard
Livin’ large in the large intestine
Illin’ in the ileum
A sojourn through the jejunum
The September that wouldn’t be
My competitive worm charming days
When Saturday is Sunday
The turtle herds of insomnia
Upon the Fimbriated Planet
And the neckties writhed
The ÅSS Goose from the Machine
Planet of the geese
Here I froze and here I died
A hortensical Sefernday
Fungous hitchhikers from outer space
The Bagel Nebula, you stinky monkeys!
I am the humperdumperdink!
My skin was thinking
My neighbor—he’s on fire
The green apple bee-bop
Hoarsely the Pnårp sang
Vox clamantis in deserto
The death of Argo Navis
A lunchable lemony apple key
A box! A box! A box of…
Gurning for two
Surviving April Fools Day
To order a coffee
Toad rental—cheap!
Yup, still dead…
I was still dead…
I was dead
Axons across beard-seconds of darkness
A Ho-Mg-Zn icosahedral quasicrystal
Seven point one hundred
Thoughts diverging from reality
Thoughts converging toward reality
And then the cold cuts danced
This entry is missing!
Dreams in a hole in the ground
A sleigh ride to the North Pole
A journey to Upper Silesia
A sally to the Kremlin
A jaunt to Washington, D.C.
A trip to southern Moravia
Goatburping and speechifying
Grunting and squeaking in the goatburping park
Like a herd of turtles
Fimbriated armless and legless
Quack! Quack! Quack, quack, quack!!
Schtumpfenfrumpt!
Squee! Squee! Squee!
A snootful of donuts
A paean to panic
Gnomes? In my photocopier?
Ten years
The toadskin kazoo
Uneventful, boring, and bland
A stick of pepperoni a day
A skeezle-wumpus? In my cabinets?
The day ended
Just shaving the dog
Disgorgement and cheddar
The harooloos grew closer
Impossibly shaped bowls
Just so he could moo at someone
The end of doodlewhacker pie
Moobly Sefernday!
What the heck… is bothering me?
Potted meat
A discourse on shrieking
Incipits being rather popish
Reflecting on corn gone wrong
Today being Mamårp’s day
Hnnnngggghhhh!
Dyssynergic defecation
The tight, grimacing face
Plårp and I did our best
Sigmund Freud would be proud
Cool beans
Rotating in place
Pnårp.com!
The hobnailery on Hobgoblin Street
A dark and Strommy night
A dark and spammy night
A dark and smarmy night
A dark and stormy night
Requiem for a triangular briefcase
In feckless search of a new body
The Christ-O-Mart on Crunkner Boulevard
Dr. Unterguggenburgerheimer!
Fluffernutter… or treacle?
A vainglorious, hooting, tooting Christmas
Happy birthday, Alyssa Milano!
Back to Pam & Meg’s
An alabasterously magnificent find
375 gorillas and some flower pots
Ravna and a tub of port wine cheese spread
Mr. Årp goes to city hall
Oatmeal cookies… behind it all!
A crater full of Volvos
The frozen Pnårp
Harshbarger Memorial Hospital
Ollanthorpe Memorial Hospital
Phbthphbthphbthphbththth!
An offer he couldn’t refuse
Insidious flobcumber pie
Skipping Wednesday
Parndiddle McForsterbaster
Death by simultaneous drowning and dehydration
Tater-totting crunkfire
The disastrous ballad of Monica Lewinski’s feet
Two stumblebums for Phillip Norbert Årp
Ah, the first of August!
Poesies and toesies indeed!
Gnomes destroying my brain and kidneys
Boom! Boom, boom, boom!
Noshing on my favorite keyboard
Technicolor horse testicles
PNARP.SYS is an evil, vile thing
Psycho Chicken With Fingers On Top!
Joyful Sefernday, everyone!
Oh, the serendipity!
Oh, the fendippity!
A little pedicatio
The fleeting nuances of Dingleberry–Hampsterism
Thousands of Eggmen against one little Pnårp
The Fendippitous Eggmen
I had eggs today!
The fnord plan
A plan is hatched
Ham by the brick
Dingleberry champion hamster
A Hilarius pair of ducks
Return from the Brundlebeyond
Stay spooned for more!
Into the Brundlesphere
Through the tunnel
The Brundlesphere
Kudzu and Miss Hewitt
Dog whelks in your arteries
The perfunctory margin of disbelief, part II
Crossing the hatches
Glick Glick van der Glick again!
Requiem for a haberdasher
Glick Glick van der Glick
Ring above?
eBGIQ7ZuuiU or bust
Quack! Quack! Quack!!
Do, guppy, guppy!
Short and sweet!
High… on life
Dying planktonic foraminifera
Reign across America
Alyssa Milano & the new adventures of Hitler
Gra, trained assassin
The blaze continues unabated
Suddenly ablaze
Not so dead again
Dead again
A whole pile of flapdoodles from Shitlingthorpe
A pox upon your whizgiggling!
A whiz and a giggle
Today is January 27
Gnomes? In my kettles?
Lo’ Kweeisha
Bubble wrap and bubble butts
Dead in a hole
Frozen in a hole
In a hole
Spaceworthy guardsquirrels
Free at last
Aaaahhhh!!
The one true goddess!
There’s nothing in my head!
Snuffle off to Buffalo
Strahazazhia smiles upon me
The deep blue face of failure
Graceful as Loquisha’s soles
This is Phillip Norbert Årp’s spaceship
Pnårp’s in space
Why does the pi float?
Why do the stars scream?
Under Pam & Meg’s
Grumfeld redux
Indeed I can go home again
Dugongs abound in my ear canals!
I did not forget about Hitler!
Plårp goes home
Plårp, Plårp, Plårp!
Plårp, Plårp!
Plårp!
3,600 eigenserfs and a function key
The missing fourteenth key
Press any key
Paisley time
Back to Harry’s
Ol’ Grummie’s back!
Ravna and the gorillas
Ravna and a ligature
Squish-&-honk!
Further visages of feet-&-toes
Toe-visages on the Sefernday
Sleeping in the closet
The laws of Phillip I: Last decree
The laws of Phillip I: Homage
The laws of Phillip I: Taxes
The laws of Phillip I
The restive provinces conquered
Eight years
131,072 Schmongeloid conscripts
No one expects the Schmalkaldic League
Digging up the back yard
Shekels at the cat-canning plant
Alyssa Milano lives!
Alyssa Milano v. Phillip Norbert Årp
Phillip Norbert Årp v. Alyssa Milano’s Feet
Suing Alyssa Milano
Music erupted from my bed cushions again
Fort Flabberwocky was a myth!
’Twas the night before Christmas
The Spend-O-Mart on Crunkner Boulevard
The Great Fluffernutter Deluge of ’58
Bloviating and brachiating
Britney Spears… or Jennifer Love Hewitt?
I forgot about Hitler again…
A busjacking by Jack Off Jill?
Jacking off Jill to a squirrel-fox-dingo
Loquisha, you hornswoggler!
Mesothelioma in a drainage ditch
Gnomelandia Day
The Third Coming
Ollanthorpe Savings Bank
I remembered a lot this week!
Terrorists! Terrorists!!
Haldûrburðgar, Lord and Emperor
Attacked by tadpoles!
Busy: Ankle-crawling kudzu
Busy: A whole flock of geese
As kudzu crept up her ankles
Incipient garden gnomes pouring down again
New Gardegnomia
Burkina Faso encased in pie
A disastrous pie-eating contest
No dice
This is Phillip Norbert Årp’s ship
Gormless bastard!
Captain Pinnfarb explains it all
The wall gong exhibition
A cock-up, to be sure
I thought this was better!?
Oatmeal cookies and their spies
I still don’t trust these cookies…
My oatmeal cookies
The dingleberry/hamster song
Pam & Meg’s
The Englebee Troobles live!
Hornswoggled, I tell you!
My new neighbor from Georgia
The haberdashery, act IV
The haberdashery, act III
The haberdashery, act II
The haberdashery, act I
Ham and eggs, a dram of megs
I need a new hobby
A pastry on both your houses!
Hobnobbishly bamboozled, she said
Busy this week too!
Busy this week!
She isn’t dead!
Schmongeling Gnomes from Westphalia?
368,000 firecrackers and a butcher shop
Today being Christmas…
The perfect symmetry of a letter
Shitlingthorpe–Alabaster Flapdoodles
Thaddeus C.L. Harshbarger, the haberdasher
Dingleberry, hamster!
My house burned down today
Stewing in my own juices
A visit to Eigentoria
I shall visit Eigentoria
The thick, meaty center of an eigenfactor
Caught in a wet noodling contest
The lawn gnomes prance!
Saturday was the worst
The return of the garden gnomes
The return of Grårp
Abortifacient skies, the burning air
Engelby Trouble?
Spruce mustard and bouillabaisse
I’m ending it all!
Blast you all
Troobles, long and hard
Soft, and steaming lightly
The perspicacious side of the planet
Umph… plurgh… splat!
Bowdlerization!
I slithered blithely out the door
A gaggle of garden gnomes
Incipient garden gnomes pouring down
What an Englebee Trooble is
Zero-factor linguistics
The Magic Oreo Machine™
Eigenfactor
Into the midst of a gorilla and yak pack
Naked with soda bottles in my ears
Fell in a pit (again)
Music erupted from my bed cushions
The Trooble Foundation
I saw an iMac, a greenish-blue flavored one
I was mad
I desire broadband access to my feet!
Guhhhh noooobity fahhhh foooogity!!!
My dear brother Grårp!
Samuel Dreckers
Contemplating the Spice Girls
Alyssa Milano still has very cute feet
Briefcase! Gatorade!!
100% guaranteed
The Troobles exist…
Curse inflatable hotdogs
Aaaahhh!!
Searching forever for the elusive Troobles
The stars scream at me louder than ever!!
I had failed
Fight the future
I forgot about Hitler
A brass knob had fallen on my head
The Countess-Prelate von Sträsmussenbörg
Someone accused me of screwing a pheasant
Without a tongue or a penis
It gets hot in Afghanistani prisons
No kind of Trooble infatuates anyone
The talking, squawking camel
The Englebee Troobles
I love AOL
Mister Ollanthorpe von Sträsmussenbörg
Is there an underdog in you?
Dead
The flying pi returned
I have nothing to write today
I took the AK-47 down
The triangular briefcase I had found
The spiders began to sing and chant
Hypoglycemia and digititis have no sway over me
I found a scrap of paper in my pocket
Dangerous evidence kept cropping up
The perfunctory margin of disbelief
Semper sic tyrannis
In the ground underneath my house
A glass was sitting on my desk
Am I lost!? Am I low on oil!?
The man who talked way too much
I continued my search for the Englebee Troobles
The seventeenth best day of my life
I took the pile of animal feces out of my garage
The stars scream at me, but why?